Good days and bad days...

So...the big day was February 25th, 2009.  The same day my dad passed away, I got the official diagnosis that I have Multiple Sclerosis.  The only good thing was that I was so busy dealing with his passing, that it took the focus off my new diagnosis.  I have had days where I get frustrated with some of my symptoms and break down.  I have had days where I miss him so much and wish he was here to make me feel safe with this damn disease.  The beginning was numbness that spread from my waist into one leg and then back up into the other leg.  After several MRIs showing 20+ lesions and a spinal that contained whatever it was my doctor was looking for, it was definite.  It sucks.  The positive side of the disease is that you look normal.  So even on a bad day, I can be "fine". 

The heat wears me out.  I try to stay under the shade when I take my kids outside for recess but don't want to be the teacher caught sitting either.  My legs haven't bothered me for a few months, so that has been nice.  I know when the cold gets here, they will probably start tightening up...

So, my bad days lately...well there has been more than a few.  I work all day and then come home and have just had crying spells.  May be my pregnant hormones too...but when you are pregnant, you are most likely not to have any relapses.  I stopped taking my injections because if you research treatments online, they have only been tested as safe in animal fetuses, not human fetuses.  I didn't want to take any chances and wasn't worried because again, pregnancy is supposed to protect you from relapses.  So far now, I have had two.   The first one wasn't bad.  It was near the beginning of my pregnancy and it was just numbness on the right side of my torso only.  Went away in about a month.  This time, this relapse...it has taken a toll on me.  It started with my left fingers feeling like they were asleep.  I thought I had slept on my arm wrong.  Then my left ear started feeling numb...weird, right?  Now it has moved all the way up into my shoulder and down from my ear into my neck as well as the left side of my scalp.  Basically meeting in the middle I guess.  I am losing strength in my left hand and writing is very difficult and I am overly frustrated as typing is getting harder.  My fingers feel very tight.  My worst fear is that this time it won't go away and this will be permanent damage.  Trying to stay positive and think "Two weeks down, maybe only two weeks to go..."  I can still sense hot and cold...but not soft (can't tell the difference between my baby boy's hair and the fabric on the couch).  Try to pretend nothing is wrong but it is only getting harder.  How long will I be able to keep saying "fine" when family asks how everything is?  No point in really calling the doctor since the only quick fix would be steroids...and can't do that pregnant.  If it doesn't go away in a month, then I will call. 

So, I started this blog in hopes that maybe some other MS friends can give me advice...their own stories...etc.  Off for now.