Sigh...

Soooo freakin' tired. I think pretending I am not tired makes me even more tired. Grass is cut, used the weedeater, dishes washed, and etc. etc etc. All I want to do is shut my eyes. Tried the Bcomplex and guess what. Nothing! So frustrated I could cry! The hubby tried it and says he can tell a difference in his work day! Really? So glad it is helping him but good grief...thought I had finally found something that would work. My right leg that is numb hurts. Last time I had numbness...there was no pain. If I get down on that knee, pain shoots. If it gets hit with something cold, it hurts. At the pool, the bottom of my bathing suit skirt was wet and cold and it hurt my leg...I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Grass isn't always greener on the other side...

To start off...I learned a new quote. "The grass is greener on the other side because it is covered in bullsh**". Nice, right? I haven't written in a while because for the most part, things were going good. I got into running, lost 80 pounds and was feeling pretty good. I ran my last 10K and have struggled since. It is as if someone has completely taken the wind out of my sails. I am so stinkin' tired of being tired all the time. I am trying my best to keep up with my three boys and husband and job and friendships and never, ever want to let anyone down because the word "no" is not in my vocabulary...but no one knows that I wake up most mornings almost in tears because I am so tired. I wake up with regret in the mornings because I could not get up and walk or run that morning. I am letting myself down on a daily basis. I have a few friends that know when I am down and out but I TRULY try to keep a smile on my face and say "I'm fine". So the fatigue has kicked my butt and I feel like I am whining if I say anything about. And on top of that...my neuro, who I hold up in the highest regard, told me to stop taking the amantadine for fatigue if it was not working and that there wasn't anything else he could do for me for the fatigue. One thing we tried...and he suggested I see my primary care physician. Yes, because primary care physicians know sooooo much about MS that they can help me. :( So I am busting my butt to get my yard in shape, knowing that I probably should not be out in the heat, but the look of my yard has totally made up for it. Plus, the last week of school was so busy and stressful that I couldn't think otherwise. I knew my hip area was feeling a little funny so I brushed it off. Went to take my shoes off Sunday and realized that my right foot felt funny. My skin is now numb from the right side of my hip, down to my calf and into my foot. The different in the numbness this time is that there seems to be weakness in that foot too. I can't stand to walk around barefoot because stepping on things feels weird and the cold hurts (the cold of the chair on my ankle or if I spill a cold drink on my leg...). I am not in pain...so I feel like I should feel lucky. But dammit...now I have to be reminded of this stupid MonSter every day until this passes. I was doing good at holding it together and then tonight, couldn't find my right flip flop and stepped down on my foot and got sharp/weird sensations throughout my foot and all it took was for my husband to stop me and give me a hug and I broke down. I HATE IT. It is as if someone shot novocaine throughout my leg and I describe it as aggravating as nails on a chalk board. I should be blessed that my leg still works...I should be blessed that it does not hurt for the most part...I should feel blessed. I honestly think that part of my fatigue is depression/denial on my part, after three years of putting on a happy face, that I have this stupid thing that I have no control over and makes me so tired I get overwhelmed that I cannot keep up. So...next step? A nice facebook friend (I have joined a MS page with very supportive group who I feel like I can talk to without judgement and to someone who understands instead of staring at me completely not understanding) found out some of the local MS clinics. So I am going to look into those for over the summer since all of them are few hours away. They specialize in MS and should be able to help me more. So, here goes nothing...fingers crossed.