Ups and downs and round and round we go!

I must admit, this has been a great summer. It is the first one that I have not worked in about 5 years. I really have enjoyed all my time with my sweet boys. I am hating the fact that school is right around the corner. Healthwise, things have been good. Just tired. Blah. And I hate telling people I am tired because I feel like they will think I am whining. Or I get the typical response like "Oh, me too." or "I know what you mean." Then I really feel like I am whining because everyone gets tired, right? Just not MS tired. And right now, the dizziness (which is not something I have on a regular basis) is back. Will be staying close to home unless I have to go somewhere this weekend. Even Brice pulling into a parking spot yesterday, and then backing up and pulling forward just about did me in. I had to turn up the air and close my eyes and wait for it to pass. Today I ran the roads with Jake and all day, sadly, I have been looking forward to coming home and sitting still. Most know this is hard for me. I have loved every minute of my day with Jake but the dizziness is making me sick to my stomach. :( Went to Swansboro Medical Center to see the awesome Eric and he agreed to refer me to a MS clinic. He also was very caring and ordered blood work to make sure it was nothing else and gave me a prescription for a sleeping pill. I tried it and not sure if it is something I can take. The first time I did not notice much of a difference. The next time I took two and totally felt drugged the next day. Going to give it one more try tonight and take it early enough to see if I can function tomorrow. Good news is, my blood work all came back normal. I know have an appointment at Duke with Dr. Mhoon. If you look him up, he is a baby but they positive side of that is he is probably current on more options. I am very disappointed with Dr. Steel and do not know if I will go back to see him again in September. For him to try one medication for fatigue and then tell me there is nothing else he can do for me when that one doesn't work...well that is like he has given up. The last appointment I went to, he looked more at the computer than he did me. It is the first appointment with him that I felt that way. I have adored him up until now and I LOVE his nurse Michelle. She is the one that called when they messed up my message to him. I called, left a message with the nurse who answered. She messed it up and told Dr. Steel that my "vertigo" medicine wasn't working and he did not even look at my records to see that I don't have vertigo and prescribed a medication for dizziness that I totally did not need to take! When I called back and told Michelle about it, she was very apologetic. So, all in all, I am very excited to go to a doctor who specializes in this and hoping to get some tips, advice and help other than just passing me some injections. My copaxone is the not the miracle medicine and I feel like I feel worse on it besides the fact that I HATE doing it. So, if you read this, and not many do, please PRAY that my appointment in September goes great! Too damn young to feel this damn old. :)

Sigh...

Soooo freakin' tired. I think pretending I am not tired makes me even more tired. Grass is cut, used the weedeater, dishes washed, and etc. etc etc. All I want to do is shut my eyes. Tried the Bcomplex and guess what. Nothing! So frustrated I could cry! The hubby tried it and says he can tell a difference in his work day! Really? So glad it is helping him but good grief...thought I had finally found something that would work. My right leg that is numb hurts. Last time I had numbness...there was no pain. If I get down on that knee, pain shoots. If it gets hit with something cold, it hurts. At the pool, the bottom of my bathing suit skirt was wet and cold and it hurt my leg...I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.

Grass isn't always greener on the other side...

To start off...I learned a new quote. "The grass is greener on the other side because it is covered in bullsh**". Nice, right? I haven't written in a while because for the most part, things were going good. I got into running, lost 80 pounds and was feeling pretty good. I ran my last 10K and have struggled since. It is as if someone has completely taken the wind out of my sails. I am so stinkin' tired of being tired all the time. I am trying my best to keep up with my three boys and husband and job and friendships and never, ever want to let anyone down because the word "no" is not in my vocabulary...but no one knows that I wake up most mornings almost in tears because I am so tired. I wake up with regret in the mornings because I could not get up and walk or run that morning. I am letting myself down on a daily basis. I have a few friends that know when I am down and out but I TRULY try to keep a smile on my face and say "I'm fine". So the fatigue has kicked my butt and I feel like I am whining if I say anything about. And on top of that...my neuro, who I hold up in the highest regard, told me to stop taking the amantadine for fatigue if it was not working and that there wasn't anything else he could do for me for the fatigue. One thing we tried...and he suggested I see my primary care physician. Yes, because primary care physicians know sooooo much about MS that they can help me. :( So I am busting my butt to get my yard in shape, knowing that I probably should not be out in the heat, but the look of my yard has totally made up for it. Plus, the last week of school was so busy and stressful that I couldn't think otherwise. I knew my hip area was feeling a little funny so I brushed it off. Went to take my shoes off Sunday and realized that my right foot felt funny. My skin is now numb from the right side of my hip, down to my calf and into my foot. The different in the numbness this time is that there seems to be weakness in that foot too. I can't stand to walk around barefoot because stepping on things feels weird and the cold hurts (the cold of the chair on my ankle or if I spill a cold drink on my leg...). I am not in pain...so I feel like I should feel lucky. But dammit...now I have to be reminded of this stupid MonSter every day until this passes. I was doing good at holding it together and then tonight, couldn't find my right flip flop and stepped down on my foot and got sharp/weird sensations throughout my foot and all it took was for my husband to stop me and give me a hug and I broke down. I HATE IT. It is as if someone shot novocaine throughout my leg and I describe it as aggravating as nails on a chalk board. I should be blessed that my leg still works...I should be blessed that it does not hurt for the most part...I should feel blessed. I honestly think that part of my fatigue is depression/denial on my part, after three years of putting on a happy face, that I have this stupid thing that I have no control over and makes me so tired I get overwhelmed that I cannot keep up. So...next step? A nice facebook friend (I have joined a MS page with very supportive group who I feel like I can talk to without judgement and to someone who understands instead of staring at me completely not understanding) found out some of the local MS clinics. So I am going to look into those for over the summer since all of them are few hours away. They specialize in MS and should be able to help me more. So, here goes nothing...fingers crossed.